this is ur sign to pray

hi readersss! let me get something clear I AM NOT IN PSYCHOSIS. i will repeat it again. I AM NOT IN PSYCHOSIS. so can people pleaseee stop saying that? 2 people have told me that i am in a "manic episode" or that i need to get help. for what??? can a girl not have fun? like OK? i think you're like stupid and throwing around buzz words. i stopped caring about anything so i just do whatever i want BUT ISNT THAT A GOOD THING LOL. i dont care what peopke think thats like a good thing. so therefore im doing more stuff i actually want to do!!!!!!!!!!!!! #IAMFREE. i dropped all of my friends. i think its kind of funny but its bad because im alone all of the time. i have one friend and im super close with them, closer to them than anyone ive ever known in my life. i think theyre worse than i am... but they keep telling me that im worse idk. i trust their decisions and opinion over mine. BTW when i mean i lost all of my friends im talking abt the connections i used to have to like a loooot of people- ALL GONE! i kind of just msged everyone something mean or i told them i dont want to associate or i ghosted them completely. i dont need friends. FALSE! i told a lie. i have TWO friends one is liz the other is paisley (the person i trust my life with) liz goes to a different school so i paid for a $40 uber and she snuck into my school. we broke into the school bus and messed around the school. many things happened that i will not disclose! i also ALMOST got in a fight with this girl and i still want to with no hesitation but she started saying sorry and blahblashblah and took everything back. i dont start fights, but if u wanna fight me i will no hesitation. NO I DONT PULL HAIR like a freak i just want to like punch someones nose and then go away. i cannot stop writing books and i cannot stop praying to god and i cannot stop checking my windows because i have a feeling someones watching me. im not crazy i just feel like one of the many dangerous people i made enemies with are looking for me. im not scared im not im just anxious and i have this bad gut feeling and my gut feelings r usually right.... right? also my parents talked about putting a camera in my room so i checked my room many times. i dont think its there. but i taped paper over my smoke detector because it blinks sometimes almost like its recordng me.... also i workout a couple times a week and im losing weight. wait can a smoke detector camera see thru paper? i actually didnt think about that. also i was almost sent to the mental hospital a week and a half ago? or was it two weeks?? STOP IDK but recently and i was shaking and crying and i dont want to go anymore. for some reason i did want to go for a second. i dont want to write about it. also my gym teacher pulled me into an empty classroom and said he was "worried for me" like i seemed like i was going through a hard time? how can u see that? im not going through a hard time im literally being myself and finally making moves ive been afraid to. i dropped all of my friends and its for the better and i am getting closer with god and i am writing and i am thinking and i am DOING GOOD. how is that doing bad? maybe cuz i sit by myself everyday but thats not a problem im an independant person and when people are around me i feel like they are watching me and watching my phone even though theres nothing to see i hate being watched. even if there was a camera in my room all they would see is me walking around a lot and LOOKING and SEARCHING FOR THE CAMERA lololol. people keep telling me im sick im not sick i am simply doing what i want which may come with a couple bad decisions but at least i have CONTROL over my life. if u hate me idc as yung lean said in one of his songs (im paraphrasing cuz i cant find the exact song but he said something like this) "when everyone hates u it only fuels what u do"or something idk. i like this blog and i can literally say anything cringe and it cancels out with the fact that its on a sparkly pastel blog like THIS IS ALL CRINGE LOL it cancels out. plus i already know im cringe, i DONT CAREEEEEEE! if i was soooo cringe why do people comment that they wanna be me. i wonder what that even means. like, u wanna be me? ME? why would u ever want that i dont understand. i want to be god not some random girl who has fake blonde hair and listens to the same one elliot smith song over and over and over and over and over everyday all day. listening to multiple songs in a playlist makes me anxious because lowkey i feel like the lyrics are messages people are trying to send me so i listen to this one song i CHOSE to listen to therefore it has no messages from others assosciated. like how can people talk to me through song lyrics if i only listen to ONE song i CHOSE u know? its lowkey making my brain turn into mush. kings crossing by elliot smith is the song. even when my headphones are not in i still hear it playing in my mind over and over and over and