Era of being good
today is september 5th but to me its september 1st. i'm actually doing a lot mentally better than i have in so long. im clean from many things and im not doing self-destructive things as often any more. thoughts to do those things still r in my brain, like sometimes i want something super exciting but i think i realize that putting myself into very harmful situations doesnt make moments any more exciting than doing something productive. ive gotten really into keeping my hands busy, ALYWAYS! when i watch gilmore girls on my TV i make friendship bracelets for my mom and my grandma, or i'll sketch more gothic architecture buildings (that are supposed to be paintings but i never seem to actually finish them) i'm also orthodox baptized since august 27th. my saint was venerated the next day (sophia the mother saint) AND it was the day we venerated the virgin mary. i feel like aside the bad parts of me i really love my little siblings and i would love to be a stay at home mom 1 day. maybe when im 30+, for now all i wanna do is run around the city i love love love love NYC im flying there in december and im moving there in roughly 2 years. ive lost over 15 pounds over summer. and my skin is clearing up. i think im super superstitious because i dont really use logic in my thinking like at ALL, anything i do is cuz i felt like it or like up to my intuition and TBH its kept me safer than youd think. my grandma once told me the better of a person you become the more clear ur skin is, clean soul clean skin. and i AGREEEEEE. my skin has cleared up SM!it was never bad, but like now its GLOWING and its like weird. i quit my job today, not out of self destruction but this time out of knowing its better for me. i was forcing myself to (I would either come in at 6:30AM or 9AM and end at 5PM)work 8-12 hours a day every single week plus church all sunday basically, and monday to clean, take care of my siblings, etc. i felt like i was dying but i had this weird mindset where i had to prove to myself i wasnt lazy. and plus i needed money to GO CRAZY ON SHOPPING EVERY NIGHT! now i will study my religious books, practice coding, perfect my russian, volunteer for my church, get good grades, etc. WHO IS THIS!!!! not sonya!!!!! despite building off with these good habits i still get really stupid a lot. i do a lot of stupid bad decisions and i get mad at myself and its so dumb like u know this will hurt u later why are u doing this. i used to go through like rlly bad mood swings where i would cry everyday and more but now i only cry like every 3-4 days and its improving SM. also u can see my rooms floor??? and i keep fresh flowers in my room??? can u believe i spent 40$ on flowers for my room?? it was worth it though, they're beautiful. TIP: after your flowers start to die place them outside in the woods so u can let them naturally go. do same with fruit and vegetable rines and extras. also ive recently gotten a crush on this boy. hes so mean to me and he definetly does not like me LOL. hes super tall and cute and hes religious and he like builds and engineers computers or something. he literally only speaks to me to correct my grammar :( his mom really likes me and she told me he never talks to girls thats why hes so shy (LOL). he also takes added on classes outside of school for like python and weird coding bla blah blah basically super smart idk. i always worry that he doesnt think im pretty