hi everyone. i am writing this as im sitting in my bathtub with this cloudy pink water form the cherry blossom bath bomb. i have a coconut argan oil hair mask in my hair, a chamomile clear slimy face mask on my face, and i have just completed my 10 step skincare routine that included washing my face twice and applying several mysterious oils and serums that online reviews seem to swear by. before i got into this fixated state of your stereotypical "aesthetic clean girl night time routine" i was crying on the couch eating pasta from the pan and watching some forgotten terrible quality 2000s reality tv show where two models chased around herds of sheep and and hung from ropes in a huge waterfall. i wondered how wrinkly and irrelevant they must feel after theyve aged 20 years and lost their charm. this week has been awful, ive been lazy, buying sooo much dior makeup with money that isnt even mine, ive been feeling really sick and i havent excersized once in like 6 days straight after running 10 miles a day and making myself pass out from running beforehand, just a week ago i would excersize all night until 4am while playing chess and now i cant even make breakfast for my family or read a book. i've realized that my body runs on cycles and the week of my period i always feel disgusting. my stomach gets bloated and my face isnt glowing, my work ethic is low and i just cry about the most mundane things and lay on the bed- occasionally on the floor or in the bath to change up the scenery. i'm feeling far from god and praying makes me feel extremely guilty where i just deny every moment to talk to god, i really dont want him to see me in this state- even though i know hes always watching. it's hard to explain this feeling of being bored but overwhelmed and stressed out to the point of no sleep but being in a constant blurry tired state. i'm traveling with my grandmother across the state into virginia to go to the famous spa and spend all day there, i'm really excited but i'm also really nervous that my gloomy-ness will ruin her mood. my brain is very no-common sense like and i've realised that every decision ive basically like ever made is based off emotion. and ive realised that i truly believe that who you are in your heart and in your mind is who you reflect to be on the outside like looks wise. i believe that the way to become beautiful is to be truly in a happy and loving and pure state. i feel like every time i get a pimple or my hair looks bad its because ive sinned and its a way for god to punish me and reflect my actions onto my looks. i look awful and i dread looking in the mirror, i must be an awful person. ive overate this whole week of no excersize after losing consistently so much weight and its because im a sinner. i overate and wasted food my family couldve ate and i feel extremely guilty, im not allowing myself to wear clothes that i like because i cannot reward myself for sinning, ruining my body, and most importantly my relationship with god. i need someone to hit me in the face and force me to workout and make me eat normal food again and tell me i have to get out of my bed!!!!LOL. orrr i need another dior lipgloss... or the burberry skirt thats like 400 dollars ... neeeeed. also something kinda interesting is that my grandma said that ive always been a sad kid since i could barely walk, and that i dont seem very happy at all. i asked her how she thought up this crazy idea and she said she could see it in my eyes since i was really young and it makes me really upset. ive always blamed my gloomy-ness on my own sins and actions and so the fact that ive been this way since a child makes it worse, its like ive always been a sinner; or worse- that i was born like that. i hate to think of being born miserable a thing i'll always be stuck with, i've always had this thought of counting down till im 18 and moving to NYC and having a beautiful apartment and a really cute cat with my mini fruit garden on the windowsill, but i cant have that if i'll always be sad. sad people dont have gardens or cute cats, and even if they somehow do it ends up meaning nothing to them. they just watch tv and lay in bed and work. it also makes me feel really bad that even me at 7 years old was sad, i feel like that innocent version of myself is so disconnected from who i am that i almost pity her and i HATE pitying myself its so awkward and weird. now that i'm getting close to turning 18 and im turning in scholarships for college i dont want to let go of teenager me. i feel like being at this age is an amazing excuse for being awkward and weird, but once im actually an adult living in my dream city then what??? then i'll just be an awkward weird adult and thats the absolute WORST. when im far into adulthood i want to have kids and i want to raise them myself without daycare and teach them how to cook really good food and how to be really kind. but thats something i could never imagine the unstable person i am to have. this is a really scary entry to post because 1. i didnt not reread it so theres definetly spelling/grammar errors and 2. its really intimidating and cringey to talk about how i feel even though thats all i ever talk about and i feel like this is definetly an entry the people reading would laugh at. but its okay, cya later and hopefully when i do end up re reading this in a couple weeks i'll be more optimistic and working out again! update: it's 7:30 am of the next day and i just binged on a whole bag of dried sweetened cranberries and ate a banana, the cycle of feeling like the most guilty shit person ever continues