...Sleepy day

hiiii! i havent posted a blog in a while and i really miss it, i miss all of u. i promised to link my instagram (its on the bottom of this page) to my blog so i can truly get closer to my readers or whatever but to be honest i'm scared of u guys, who is reading this? i've had an issue with doxxing in the past couple weeks but its okay. i think. these two photos on this blog post i took on my bed yesterday.

i look weird i dont know what it is but something about my face makes me want to shoot myself, why do i look like im literally 13? but when i put on makeup i look my age idk. i feel like my face is really fat and disproportionate but i have to accept what i cannot change or else i'll go crazy over it forever. i think everyones face represents who they are and i feel like i'm still stupid and naive/gullible and its written all over my face. when i was younger i was praised by adults for being "mature for my age" and "acting way older than you should" but now i just feel like i kind of froze in that age/state. im really desensitized to gore, trauma, creepy people, etc. but really sensitive to personal stuff because i believe everything. my habits and the way i think is of a child and it's really embarrassing. i constantly have breakdowns and embarrass myself just like i did when i was little. i'm also really emotionally unintelligent and i have a really hard time maintaining friendships or people around me because my immediate reaction to anything is to feel guilty and detach. and i think if u look really closely u can see it on the way i look

i'm not wearing any makeup and my eyebags are so prominent. but i'm in this mood where i don't really care right now i need to accept it but i'll probably go crazy and cry about posting these later. i told my dad about how i'm afraid people are always watching me especially in my room like through my open windows or watching my computer/phone and he gave me this really weird look like really weird. he looked at me like there was something wrong with me, but not in his usual way this was more dramatic and it really hurt me. "that's not normal..." ummmm what?

ANYWAYS back to yesterday, i decided that i didn't need to go to school so i just laid in bed all day. I think i only got out of bed to pee and to get food and maybe light candles but i ate once in bed. my little sister was in daycare all day, mom was passed out, i was just in my bed. it actually was really nice, i just played this old 1960s movie about hollywood or something on my tv and fell back asleep. i would go in and out of being awake and just look at the pretty 60s girls with their cute hair and then fall back asleep. the entire day i had no idea what was going on outside of the silly movies that played on the television. i was just kind of watching the tv the way you look out of the passenger seat window in the car, you dont really look at the trees or anything particular you just let it all pass by with no meaning or memory of what you saw 5 seconds ago. the movies auto-played one after another on youtube so eventually i would wake up for a couple seconds to minutes and see a strange movie in black and white with tall girls speaking french. then i woke up to what looked like a play? or possibly some kind of old opera recording. if i was rich and i had no responsibilities i would sleep like this all day. thats a lie i would shop all day. at somepoint i ordered panera doordash which is weird because i've almost never ordered food before (like twice max) but i didnt remember ordering it so i was just woken up by the doorbell and food, i ate it in bed. now that i think of it, it could've been my moms food i accidently ate. i hate to admit it but i really did enjoy eating.

i actually really liked waking up constantly because i would be in this hazy blurry mood where i didnt fully grasp any thoughts and when i did start to really think i would already be asleep and resuming my unconscious state. i think this blurry state is blurring into my regular days too, i feel like i've always been someone who will zone out a lot but it's getting worse. it's a really weird feeling almost like i'm half there and half somewhere else. kind of like the same feeling as the "passenger seat looking out of a car window" effect. i really need to work on this because i unintentionally make people feel like i'm not listening to them but i really do care what theyre saying. anyways on this sleepy day time went by so quickly, i barely used my phone; just to check the time and unconsciously order food. by around 8pm i got up and lit my candles because it was getting really dark and scary in my room. by 8:20pm i blew out the candles and turned on my lamp because i was afraid that i wouldnt wake up again to blow them out and it would catch the place on fire (8 candles). i went back to bed. i dont remember setting my alarm for school but it woke me up the next morning

my instagram is @sonya_943