reflecting + movie review

hi hihihi hi hih hi hi hihi
i was rereading old blog entries and it cringes me out so much, like i actually physically wanted to poke my eyes out and delete this entire stupid blog thing but i think that's just what a blog is. it's meant to be cringe and a reflection of where i was and how i've grown. it's good to see growth in you as a person, if i wasn't seeing me from like 2 years ago as cringe then what would that say about me now? some similarities i see throughout though is 1. i've always felt miserable 2. always felt guilty 3. repetitively mentioning my obsession with how much i dislike the way i look and how it's a reflection of my sins 4. my cats
i also see myself constantly having identity crisis' and over analyzing everything about myself like my own type of therapist. i think it's interesting, despite me now thinking ive "grown sooooo much" and im " sooooo different now" i definetly thought that exact thing 2 years ago when i was 14 looking back on 12 or 13 year old me. i'm frozen in this paradox (I JUST LEARNED THIS WORD and it's fun) like i think i'm really different and i've grown but secretly deep down i know i'm still 12 and 13 and 14 and that immaturity never went away it just kind of transformed into a different way of who i am now.

i rewatched one of my favorite movies called "HEAVY."
i like how boring this movie is. it is also so beautifully shot, just random screentime of a tavern sign, meaningless objects, of a fat guys delusions. this movie is really lonely. "You've been in places like this. You linger over a second cup of coffee and people-watch, trying to guess the secrets of the sad-eyed waitress and the drunk at the bar and the pizza cook who looks like he's serving a sentence. You don't guess the true horror of the place, which is that there are no secrets, because everyone here knows all about everyone else, inside and out, top to bottom, and has for years." this is a quote from some movie review and i don't think it could be worded any better, that's exactly the atmosphere of this place. i hate that stupid main character fat pedophile i feel bad for him but i hate him so much. if they just erased his entire character out of the plot i think it would make this movie so much better. like SO MUCH better. when i rewatched the film i had to skip over most of the parts where he is in it because it just made me uncomfortable. i like this movie because the way it's filmed shows EXACTLY how i see everything in my small town. it feels so empty and dead in this movie, filled with small town meaningless drama, reoccuring characters in the exact way it is in my life too. everyone in this movie is frozen, delores is stuck being a bartender as she has been as long as she remembers, polly depressed running the tavern, everyone is just frozen in where theyve always been and in who theyve always been. a new girl named callie starts working at this tavern and shes beautiful and she has so much hope and opportunity but in reality she's just as frozen as everyone else and she will be delores one day. the difference between callie and delores is that delores has her face melting off (cuz of age.) theyre still both frozen. "Is Victor foolish to dream of Callie? Yes, but in the long run Callie will be lonely, too. In 15 years, she may be just like Delores. And Delores will still be like Delores. And Leo will still be drinking, and plotting his next move. We pay for our coffee, and leave. We're not like that."
and i feel like this in my life and all of the people that surround me, theyre all just stuck in space - never really moving forward, never really moving back. just pacing and balancing in place, in a room of boredom and rot. i'm not an adult but i feel like being one is just a phase of rotting, and watching yourself boil down to nothing but the leftovers of your responsibilities. watching all of the creativity and playfulness that made your childhood fade away. wake up, drop kids off at school, work, complain on twitter about your boss, sleep.

when i was around 3 or 4 years old i began going to a small makeshift russian daycare. i have faint memories of pretending to be a waitress laying out fake plastic toy foods, watching old russian cartoons, secretly running around drawing on the walls. i remember looking up to our teacher, hoping one day i'd be so tall and cool. now years later it isn't me getting dropped off at her door but my little brothers. its this rough looking small apartment tucked away in the corner of the complex. old christmas decor still up seen peaking from the window despite it being april. a once green but now grey foot matt outlined by the footprints of exhausted parents. inside is a table and a couch, and all kinds of toys drowning out the boredom of the room. board games with missing pieces, a tea cup set without the teapot. My teacher there had no permit to watch kids, but she was one of the only russian speaking babysitters in the community so she ran this business. She maybe has around 7-8 children everyday. No one in my small would care about permit laws though. when i saw her again she didn't recognize me but i could immediately tell it was her. in her head i was still 5 years old. i feel so disconnected from that little girl version of myself who lived my days in this apartment too so many years ago. my baby photos are not me, that little girl is not me. i grew up, got out, didn't fit in that apartment anymore. to my teacher, i am frozen too just as she is to me. yeah she looks older, has a few more wrinkles, slower pace, but thats still my old teacher. she already grew up, had her hope, and opportunity, and she still froze. she doesn't get to grow out of that daycare or eventually get out of that room like i did. what does she have to look forward to? she's withering away, my teacher is not growing up she is breaking down. she will probably die in that room watching the children color her walls and grow. but right now she's still running a daycare, and she is frozen. maybe she doesn't feel frozen in her little moments-- picking up the bowtie shaped pasta in the grocery aisle, chewing gum in her car, watering her plants. but deep down she has to know that she is, right? my moms frozen my dads stuck and i really really really don't want to be anything like my parents. i think every teenager thinks that way. i want to be famous and i want people to like me and want to be me, i want to be an actress or a model, i want to move to new york city and fall in love. but what if i just move to new york, i'm not beautiful, i dont become any of these things and instead: i pick up 2 jobs waitressing desperately balancing my expensive rent, and i become frozen just in a different place. frozen in new york. This would make my teacher and I both the same. my teacher is frozen watching children in her disguised apartment, i am frozen working in a restaurant trying to pay my bills. Are we really so different? i don't even think i know what i want. maybe i just want a boyfriend i think that would fix it all