hi blog. no images on the top of this blog today. im too lazy to look up weird gifs to put there, i just want to type. i’m starting to think no one is actually reading this which i dont mind. i dont want a bunch of people reading this - thats scary. i havent craved food like today. i was fine until i got home and it hit me. candy, cake, cereal, cookies…. SUGAR. i wanted it so so so bad. sometimes i get these days where i cant stop eating, its not even up to my control at that point its just stuffing my face with food. i would stuff it with even more food while im still chewing. i felt so disgusting. i still feel so guilty. i felt SHAME. when im older i will get my lips filled, face evened out, and probably have a billion surgeries done to my face. i will do anything. my worth is associated with how i look, which may explain why i feel shameful all of the time. i dont think anyone will ever love me if i dont look a certain way. it sounds bad and corny and edgy when i type it out but its true, i really feel this way secretly. i think everyone in a way does though, or it might just run in my family. my mom has a lot of plastic surgeries, and my grandma omg dont get me started on her botox journey. i think everyone craves to be liked and in a way for me it is correlated to looks. i mean lets be real here if i was a super model beautiful looking person wouldnt everyone want to be my friend? its a really vain way to look at it but im not wrong... rereading myself makes me vomit a little. lets move on - we get it hotgirl23, you hate yourself blah blah blah… MOVE ON! okay okay! i have a concert tmw!! my dad still doesnt know about it,, but he doesnt have to… right? its for beabadoobee. shes like an indie artist IDK look her up! also my computer is having like serious problems. it is taking 10 minutes PLUS to load any website and it will just randomly black out sometimes and close all of my tabs. it also wont let me open any downloaded apps except spotify or chrome. maybe this is a sign, i need to stop watching youtube docuseries about murder cases anyways. omg i really need to shut up shut up shut up, admit it! you hate yourself to the point its almost narcissistic. i read that somewhere. where if you hate yourself so much where you cant stop focusing and hating yourself. people always assume being a narcissist is about self admiration and entitlement but it can also be the opposite. you can not only obsess over how “amazing” you are but you can also obsess over every flaw. i can put these thoughts in my head out loud but it wont stop the way i think. no matter how “self aware” i try to be its a never ending cycle of hate. the fact that i think plastic surgery, or a partner, or another pair of shoes, or even binging on food will fix any of this is childish. to lose the hatred i have for everything about me is to lose myself. i have no identity outside of every critic i make. byeeeee love u all! cya next blog post :)