Ugh Ugh Ugh #Ugh

my enitre existence ever is a crystal castles song on repeat. same weird ass beat with cool random pop up noises catchy melody mesmorsing blah blah blah ok im gonna be honest i dont know what a meloday is or what im even saying i just like really need to sound smart. I AM a crystal castles song because im like not real or something IDK HOTGIRL23 QUICK FIND AN EDGY WAY to relate to edgy song artist. okay but im definetltly like either "air war" or "keroscene" by crystal castles. i feel like i try really hard to make progress in getting far and actually doing productive things and whatever I TRY to be good but then i find comfort in spiraling and blockng all of my friends and i love it i just love crying on my bathroom floor i love being kicked out with my smeared makeup while OFC bawling my eyes out. ofc no its not pretty its really ugly and not COOL but for some reason like my brain takes these moments and romanticizes it. so like i knowww good grades and not getting into trouble and notputtng my self in dangerous situations is the right thing to do..... but is it the fun thing to do??? why study on stupid chemicals for bio class when i could actually be running into the busy streets in my small PJs at 4 in the morning. i realizwd that im not like a friend friend. not someone u actually want to have a long term friendship with, just the random girl who u invite anywhere. i dont think ill really be a real person to anyone but more oflike a memory. like yeah do u remember when that one girl we invited over blacked out and had 100s in her mouth? (yes happened to me btw and then my stupid [not like actually stupid dw i know ur reading this] friend liz posted that CANDID photo on ig.) anyways so like yeah i dont see myself anywhere in the future or anything and i dont have like rela friends ormaybe i do have real friends i just maniuplate my own brain to think that they are not real. BRO I DONT KNOW WHAT THE EFFthis is not fair like my brain is shut down right now i dont have a thought behind a word im typing right now omg. omg. like literally do u ever blank out and say something rndom like u dont mean it u just say it and not think for a second yea thats like me right now im sorry this post was useless but i think i went braindead i hope next blog i can actually discuss something productive